- Editor's Choice
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- JUL 3, 2019
Two hundred and forty three years later, still it stands; America the great. After this long of a storied history, filled with uplifting revolutions, crusades for peace and the eternal pursuit for freedom, it feels like nothing could take this great country down. Not even the greatest president the world has ever seen. While John Adams and Tommy Jefferson were duking it out over who was the author of the ancient scroll that is the Declaration of Independence, our dear old Trump takes a much more direct approach with his declarations of transcendence. To celebrate the worlds most powerful man, we have compiled a list of gifts emulating his greatness, on the birthday of the most powerful country the world has ever seen.
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You’ve thought to yourself, what a sweet head of hair, as you’ve seen it take flight in the cool spring breeze. Oh, how sweet a head of hair it is.
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The deal of the century. For some reason, this replica scroll of his declarations of transcendence has been mislabeled as toilet paper. This must be why they say America is the land of opportunity.
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He fills your lives with cheerful tweets; now stuff him full with tasty sweets. You're not giving your president beats, think of it more as him giving you treats.
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The greatest socks in the world. These socks are so great, you don't even want to wear shoes, but you'll wear shoes anyways to protect them, because you want to keep them forever.
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Correction, these are the greatest socks in the world. Yes, of course that is real hair.
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Learn how to turn even the most unfortunate of circumstances into a wondrous occasion. Dip your pen into the holder of truth, and be marveled by the declarations you craft.
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Rediscover your purpose in life with illustrious quotes from the main man himself. If he can help America find its way, he can do the same for you.
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This is the most honorable representation of the great work he has done. Your bowel movements are a symbolic representation of the ridding of excrement left behind by governments past. Do not think of this as him cleaning your behind. Nay, think of this as him cleaning America.
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Philistines clean filth. It's just the way it goes.
