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- JUL 25, 2019
Overblown internet joke, or a super-plot hiding in plain sight? When we’re talking about the most notorious ‘secret’ base known to mankind, we feel that it’s better to play it safe and be prepared anyways. Imagine it’s September 19th, and you’re left scrambling because you didn’t actually think it would happen. You would much rather stock up on supplies, and return it all on September 21st, if you haven't used it. Haven't used it being of emphasis here; don't be that person. We have tediously compiled this list to tactically guide you through the process of preparing for what will be the greatest raid since the Trojans overran Troy.
Disclaimer: If you have no idea what we're on about, please hang up your call to the Feds and proceed to slowly climb out from under that rock. We are simply making sure that all the raiders are well prepared to storm Area 51 on September 20th, to see them aliens. If you still have no idea what we are talking about, please execute a google search of 'Area 51 raid.' Now if you would, please carefully examine our guide and dress appropriately, as we don't want anyone fooling around and harming themselves. We take the health and safety of our readers very seriously.
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First things first, you need to know what you're Naruto running into. Sure, the internet has everything you'll ever need to know, and then some, but research is a time intensive process. Why waste hours scouring the internet and being unduly tasked with fact-checking every tidbit of information, when you can easily purchase and read a well-organized and factual book. For now, just focus on learning as much as you can. We'll have you suited up with the essentials soon enough.
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Anyone worth their caffiene knows you can’t start a busy day without a strong cup of joe. This will be the finest morning, requiring the strongest of joe’s.
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Time to get dressed. You’ll want to wear dark colors, so as to be super stealthy. Mainly, however, you’ll want to be incognito. If you thought Big Brother was watching you before, you could bet your bottom dollar he’ll have the eye of Sauron on you when you step onto that base. There’s no use in saving an alien if they just come to your house and take it back. Be sure to mask your face and run with the shadows.
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It looks like the plans got out. They know you’re coming, and they aren’t happy. Unlike when your Aunt Becky says she’s going to visit, the military will most definitely shut the door on you. Doors are for noobs anyways. Kim Possible always used a grappling hook to get where she was going.
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This is a covert operation, of the highest degree. Speed and efficiency are paramount. There is absolutely no time to fumble around looking for a flashlight, and haphazardly wave it around. You only need light in the final moments when you are intricately disassembling the alarm system containing the aliens. Otherwise, you should be one with the darkness.
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For a secret base, they’ve done a really bad job of hiding. That’s great for us though, because now we know exactly what we’re dealing with; desert dirt, miles and miles of it. While the Naruto run can get you passed bullets and ray guns, eventually you’ll need to escape some advanced chase vehicles. For this, look no further than an electric dirt bike. All the dirt dispelling speed, without the attention attracting rattle.
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There is no better way to carry your new alien friend than a front-mounted bike basket. There’s no explanation necessary, this is the best way, and if you disagree, you won’t get your alien very far.
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The saying goes, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. The bicycle worked once, it should work again. It doesn’t hurt to get a little help, with the electric motor. Come on, you’re going up against secret military tech, you need every edge you can get. The choice between cycle and dirt bike is purely your preference.
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Safety first. No way is mom going to let any of us storm a secret base without the proper head gear. Stay safe, stay hydrated, and stay game ready. We’ll see you September 20th. Till then, we’ll be hiding from the Feds for telling you how to successfully raid a secret government facility…
