- Editor's Choice
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- MAR 6, 2020
St. Patrick's Day is officially an Irish celebration, commemorating the holy Saint Patrick. Despite its national significance, St. Patty's Day is celebrated around the world, in more countries than any other national festival, and there's one very rousing reason why: beer.
Yes, the all-loving ale that numbs our ailing’s and enables our tall tales. St. Patty's Day has become synonymous with beer drinking (preferably the green kind) and well, more beer drinking. From university keggers to downtown bars, everyone takes part in the indulgence of the bitter sweet nectar from the wee morning hours, irrespective of their national background or religion. It's truly a magnificent day that unites us all under the banners of our favorite brewskis.
But where there is a happy union of the masses, there is an unscrupulous little meanie who is against any and all forms of fun. You know the type, some call them Master. You might recognize them as Boss. Now, if you happen to be from the unspoken class of humans who actually enjoy their work and can stand their superiors, this article isn't exactly for you. That's not an invitation to leave, of course, but you'll probably have the luxury of getting to grab a few drinks at work and even call in hung-over the next day.
No lads, this is for our forsaken. The ones who will have to go into work early, come March 17th. That's right, not St. Patty's Day. Just plain old March 17th. They won't be sipping any beers or cheersing any strangers. Heck, they might not even be allowed to wear green because of their dress code. This is for those who are meant to be at the bars with us but can't.
So in the spirit of St. Patty's, we wish you the Luck of the Irish, and introduce to you, the ten best ways to sneak a drink at work, so that you too can celebrate St. Patty's Day.
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Don't let the dress code keep you down. Embrace it. After all, no one can blame you for wearing a tie; if you were the one who asked to if you would wear overalls just this one day, and were unjustly shut down. The enemy of my enemy might be my friend, but the friend of my enemy is my greatest weapon. That makes sense if you want it to.
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Who's going to suspect a grown adult of drinking beer at work, through a sippy cup? This, my friends, is what they call hiding in plain sight. Not only can you leave your drink right on your table, but you also get to enjoy your sweet, sweet beverage through a frickin sippy cup!
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If a tie's really not your style, than maybe fixing your hair is. Catch my drift? If anyone asks to borrow your brush, just take the hit and claim you might have lice. Sure, they might avoid you for the next week or so, but at least you still get to enjoy a cold one on a very auspicious day.
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This one's for the dare-devils. The one's who don't bother hiding their drinks and take it straight from the bottle. You rambunctious little rebel you. Oh crap, here comes the boss man, time to throw away the false bravado and hide that glaring piece of dissmission-enabling evidence. But for how long? What if the big man's in a chatty mood today and doesn't leave your desk for a while? Well, that is why you pop on a beer saver and chill out while your chilled out beer awaits you.
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It's never a crime to carry an umbrella, despite the current weather. Global warming is real people, and weather patterns are unpredictable. If the polar ice caps are melting, that water has to go somewhere. How do you know it's not going to be falling from the sky, huh Susan? That is why you always come prepared with an umbrella, and come extra prepared with your own booze on hand.
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Sometimes, when you want to break the rules, you need to make some sacrifices. After all, no one is going to suspect that childish slushie on your desk as an alcoholic beverage that could potentially get you fired. And that's exactly why you do it. It's so stupid, it just might work.
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A tie flask is great but, realisiticly, how many ties do you really plan on wearing? Odds are one drink just won't cut it. Thus, we introduce to you, the lotion bottle flasks. An entire kit of seemingly innocuous products that carry the potential to intoxicate and immobilize you with the beverages of your choosing.
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While hiding in plain sight is great and all, it can get a little nerve-racking. If pushing the limits of human awareness isn't your thing, we recommend taking under-the-table drinking literally, and have your cold ones ready to go, completely out of site. Just stick em to the top of your desk, so even the nosiest Ned's won't see what's precariously sitting under the table.
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No one, and we mean no one, is going to question you about this. As far as fool-proof methods to sneak alcohol into the workplace goes, this takes the cake, and the icing.
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Of course, all the discrete drinking and no apparent after-work activities means everyone expects you to be at work the day after St. Patty's, sober and ready to go. If you are no longer a young buck with the regenerative ability of a phoenix, you might need some extra help to get yourself out of the house and out to face another day. We highly recommend consulting someone like a doctor who's actually qualified to recommend pills, rather than just popping the highest rated supplements on Amazon.
And that's that folks. The rest is all in your hands. Drink responsibly, and if you get caught, it's not our fault.
Cheers.
